BEING A PARENT, A COACH, AND THE INFAMOUS 20 MINUTE RULE

This article was posted here back in 2012.  Recent discussions with coaches, parents, and coaches who are parents led me to reposting it today.  Enjoy.

Coaches and parents will want to read this.

Basketball coaches learn from each other all the time.  We share information, borrow some, and are always watching and picking up tidbits wherever they can.  One of the most important pieces of advice I learned in my 20+ years of coaching didn't come from my past experiences as an athlete, or a coaching clinic, or a coaching colleague, or even a coaching DVD.  This piece of valuable advice was given to me from my wife.

This information is for all coaches.  As a coach we interact with the parents of our players.  BUT if you are a coach and a parent this is especially for you.

I am a basketball coach.  And like most basketball coaches it is difficult for me to watch any basketball game for pure entertainment purposes.  It doesn't matter if a coach is watching game 7 of the NBA finals on television or the first game of a fifth grade league at the YMCA, we seem to analyze the game we are watching as a coach.  This is not a bad thing because it is a part of who we are and how we are wired.

Add your own children to the mix and you have a tough balancing act.

I have been fortunate to say that I have been able to watch my own children participate in sports, including basketball, for many years.  I'm no different than the next parent as I get nervous for my child as they play because I want them to perform well and feel good about themselves.  But I also watch the game with a coach's mentality (after all it IS what I do).   And who do parents watch more closely during games? That's right, their own kid.  Again, I am no different than other parents.

After a game was finished my wife and I would wait with the other parents for our children to come over and visit with us after their coach was done talking to them.  We always greet them with a hug and a "good job".  But then my coaching personality kicked in and I would start rehashing the game with them.  I wasn't necessarily judging how well they played, but I would talk to them as if they were one of the players on my own team.  I would ask them questions about a particular possession, or an adjustment the team made, or even what their thought process might have been during a certain play.  I thought I was just talking to my kids and connecting with them about something they also have a passion for. I later learned that this is not what my children thought I was doing.

ENTER THE 20 MINUTE RULE...My wife is smart.  She could see that our kids weren't always interested in rehashing things immediately after the game was completed.  Her exact words were, "They don't need a coach right now, they need their dad."  And she was right.  I felt I was able to add insight to our kids because I am a coach.  This may be true, but it wasn't what the kids needed at that time.  So, she introduced the "20 Minute Rule" to our family.  The 20 Minute Rule means that when we meet up with our children after one of their games we don't talk about specific parts of the game for twenty minutes.  We don't have a stopwatch that counts down the minutes until I can ask my first question (that would look a bit funny).  I started to take those first few minutes with the kids after games and continued to give them a hug and tell them "good job", but it also gave them a chance to initiate the conversations we were to have after the games.  And once the twenty minute rule was over the discussions about the game were less coach-player orientated, and more dad-child orientated.  We still discuss the games but after the 20 Minute Rule these discussions started later at home, not in the gym immediately following a game. Also, it allowed my words of, "I really enjoyed watching you play," mean more to my children when it wasn't followed by questions about the game.

Because coaching is a big part of my life, and my kids are active in athletics, the 20 Minute Rule is one of the best pieces of advice I have been given.  It's shown me how to be a parent of an athlete in a way that makes the overall experience better for my children. Thanks to my wife.

RECOMMENDED BOOKS FOR COACHES

This is a list of a few of the books I took the time to read so far this summer that I feel can help us as coaches. Happy reading!

Toughness by Jay Bilas
I recommend you put this at the top of your reading list. You want a tough team, this is the book that can help you start implementing strategies to use with your players/team. Bilas shares his own thoughts along with other people, from a variety of professional backgrounds, to share their thoughts on toughness.

The Golden Whistle by Jim Burson
Coach Burson uses a story of an up and coming coach to share his thoughts on how a coach can be successful.  He shares his own experiences from a variety of situations that can help coaches make a positive impact on their team on and off the basketball court.  Coach Burson has put this book into a format that makes it easy to read, and easy for coaches to apply strategies with their own team.

The Politics of Coaching by Carl Pierson
This is the actually the second time I've read Coach Pierson's book. And it will not be my last.  His book is a must read for younger coaches, but is equally as beneficial for veteran coaches.  Pierson provides so many helpful hints that will give coaches a great opportunity for longevity in the coaching profession. I have given this book to new coaches coming into our program.

The Hard Hat: 21 Ways To Be A Great Teammate by Jon Gordon
I'm a big fan of all of Jon Gordon's books, but this one blew me away.  This is what I call a Wow! book.  It will make an impact on you not only as a coach, but as a person.  This is Gordon's first "true story" as it is written about about a former Cornell lacrosse player named George.  So many valuable lessons for coaches, players, and people in general in this book.  It's a quick read, but it is one that you will no doubt refer back to many times.

Leadership Lessons Of Abraham Lincoln edited by Meg Distini
This book is full of quotes and thoughts from Abraham Lincoln.  The author does a nice job of organizing them into different topics such as discipline, communication, leadership, conflict resolution, and determination.  This is a book you can pick up and read for a few minutes at a time and pick up some valuable gems to get you to think.

KEEPSAKES FOR YOUR PLAYERS

As a coach you always hope each of your players have positive memories of playing on your team.  There are always plenty of positive memories that fill each season.  This blog entry lists some keepsakes that you can put together for each of your players to help them remember the experiences of being a member of the team you coach.
  
SEASON STAT BOOKLET
Create a booklet in a simple three pronged folder that includes:

• A copy of the game schedule with scores from each game.
• A copy of each box score from every game played.
• A copy of your season's cumulative statistics

SEASON SCRAPBOOK
If you have a local newspaper that writes about your team you can create a scrapbook for each of your players.  Cut out and copy every article that was written about your team from all media outlets.  Use a three-hole punch to put together a scrapbook in a three pronged folder.

PHOTOS ON A DVD
You need to find a person who is willing to be in charge of taking game action pictures of your players.  One idea is to assign this as one of the duties of a team manager.  Put the pictures on a DVD, add some music to the background, and you have a full season of visual memories.  You could even have your manager take pictures of the team in practice, at team meals, getting an ankle taped, stretching before practice or games, and at team functions for some candid pictures.

PLAYER'S WRITTEN MEMORIES
Ask each player to write an entry (no longer than one page) that explains some of their favorite memories of the team and season. Copy each player's entry and put it into a folder for each player.

HIGHLIGHT DVD
Go through each game and put together a highlight DVD of some of the better made plays from the season.  Include plays from each player. 

TIPS TO GET THROUGH THE DOG DAYS OF YOUR SEASON

1. Shorten the length of practices as the season progresses. 

• Keeping your players fresh is important.  As you get into the last 1/3 of your season you may want to consider shortening the length of practices.  Fewer minutes on the court can be a psychological boost to your team.
  

2. It's ok to have some fun in the gym on occasion - just for the sake of having fun.

• Organizing some fun basketball related activities at the end of an occasional practice session will keep your players spirits up.  Get your work done first, then allow your players to experience some fun together on the court.  Let them see the coaches enjoying it too.

3. Give your players a day off. 

• If your schedule allows you to give your players a day off, go ahead and do it if you feel your players need it.  Make sure you give your team enough practice time before your next game though.  
  

4. Add a variety of new drills to your practice routine.

• Coaches emphasize in practice what they want their teams to be good at - or known for.  Those emphasized areas are drilled throughout every practice.  As the season progresses coaches need to create a variety of drills to emphasize these priorities.
  

5. Without overloading your team, add new X's and O's to your team's inventory.

• Adding a new wrinkle to your offense or defense can add some much needed excitement to your players.  
  

6. Arrange for a guest speaker to visit with your team.

• Give your players a chance to be motivated by others outside your program.  Bring in an ex-player, a business leader in your community, a respected teacher, or someone who has experienced success in their area of expertise to deliver an inspirational message to your team.

7. Have your team re-evaluate team goals that were set early in the season.

• Allow your team to meet without the coaching staff to discuss and possibly adjust the goals that were set at the beginning of the season.  It is possible that the goals may need to be scaled back.  Or it could be that they would like create even higher goals for the remainder of the season.

8. Organize team bonding activities.

• Getting your team together outside of the gym is important.  It allows them to have fun and get to know one another better without having to deal with the rigors of basketball.

4 EASY TECHNIQUES ON HOW TO GET YOUR PLAYERS TO "WANT" TO PLAY HARD

Have you ever wondered what you have to do to get your players to "want" to play hard for you as a coach?  Here are four easy techniques to use that can help develop a connection with your players that could lead to a stronger desire to play hard.

1. Use a player's name out loud when they are getting praise.  Use their name in a smaller voice when you are pointing out a mistake.  People naturally give you their attention when they hear their name.  If players hear their name loudly when it is connected to positives it can inspire them to continue to do the right things.  You are at risk of having them go in a shell if you constantly have them them hear their own name with negatives connected to it.  There is a time and place for harsh tones, but pick and choose those times instead of doing it often, and it will have more of an impact.    names + a positive = desire to succeed.
2. Expectations should be set for players and the entire team.  Letting your players and team know what is expected for each drill helps them understand what is to be done.  Be clear in the expectations you give and you will see your players play quicker and stronger because they know exactly what is to be done.  Spending an extra minute before a drill explaining the expectations might save you more time in correcting during the drill.
3. Learn from mistakes and losses.  Nobody likes mistakes.  Nobody likes to lose.  Coaches have to realize that there are teaching moments after mistakes have been made or after you have experienced a loss.  Take time to teach so the possibility of it happening again is less than before.  This may require the coach to take a moment, step back, take a breath, and think about why it happened.  Analyze it quickly and then speak.  A loss is only a bad thing if you don't learn from it.  Your players will see that you aren't reacting out of anger and will work hard for you as a result. 
4. Let your players know you appreciate them.  Take a quick moment to let your team, a player, or a group of players know you appreciate something about them.  Point out something to them that might be something different than their basketball abilities.  Let them know you notice they are a good teammate.  Let them know you saw them try to pick up a teammate that may be having a bad day.  You have to see your players as people too, not just basketball players.